Understanding and Coping with Mom Guilt: A Guide for Moms and Their Partners

Mom guilt is a common, yet often overwhelming feeling many mothers experience. It’s that nagging voice inside your head telling you that you’re not doing enough as a parent, regardless of how much you actually do. Recognizing and coping with this guilt is crucial for both you and your partner. We will explore mom guilt from both perspectives of mom and partner, helping you understand when it appears and offering coping strategies for both the mom experiencing it and the partner supporting her. 

Mom Guilt vs Dad Guilt

Mom guilt is the feeling of not living up to your or others’ expectations in your role as a parent. It manifests as an internal dialogue that tells you you’re failing as a caregiver. This guilt is often driven by internal and external pressures, including unrealistic expectations, societal norms, and the challenge of balancing multiple responsibilities. While men are twice as likely to report no feelings of guilt associated with parenting than women are, this doesn’t mean that men do not feel the stress of parenting. Men are simply more likely to label that stress as “frustration.” Mothers, on the other hand, often think that they aren’t supposed to feel angry, resentful, frustrated, and so on, at the challenges that family life tosses at them, so they feel “guilty.” But Mommy Guilt is somewhat different from Daddy Guilt. Dads are more likely to feel guilty over specific instances when their own behavior falls short of their expectations for themselves. You often bundle up all their negative reactions into more generalized “mommy guilt.” So, when something goes wrong, big or small, they instantly think, “bad mommy!” (Cleveland Clinic). 

Mom guilt is a common experience for many mothers, often arising from the pressure to meet high standards in both parenting and personal responsibilities. This guilt can manifest in various everyday situations, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Understanding the causes of mom guilt is essential in learning how to cope with and overcome these feelings. Some causes of mom guilt are:  

Internal Pressures

Parents often set unrealistic expectations for themselves. Raising a child is a full-time job, and balancing parenting with work requires significant adjustment and carries immense responsibility, often beyond what previous experiences could prepare them for. 

External Pressures

Society places immense pressure on parents to be perfect, yet many find these standards unrealistic and unattainable. This is compounded by employers who expect consistent work performance despite the added stress and challenges of parenthood. You as the mother face unique societal pressures that amplify these challenges. Cultural norms often dictate that mothers should be the primary caregivers, managing both household responsibilities and child-rearing with grace and efficiency. Family expectations can add to this burden, with relatives offering well-meaning but sometimes overwhelming advice. Social media perpetuates an idealized image of motherhood, showcasing picture-perfect moments that rarely capture the reality of daily struggles. Additionally, advice from parenting experts can be contradictory, leaving moms feeling confused and inadequate. Together, these external pressures create an environment where many mothers feel they must meet an impossible standard, leading to feelings of guilt and inadequacy (Verywell Mind). 

When Does Mom Guilt Appear?

For Moms:

Mom guilt can appear at any time but often has specific triggers: 

• Returning to work: Many moms feel guilty about not being with their children full-time.

• Self-care: Prioritizing self-care or personal interests can make moms feel they’re neglecting their parental duties.

• Daily decisions: From ordering takeout to missing school events, everyday choices can trigger feelings of inadequacy.

In our daily lives, many of us experience moments of self-doubt and guilt, particularly when it comes to balancing personal, professional, and family responsibilities. These feelings, often referred to as “mom guilt,” can arise in various situations, leading to a sense of inadequacy or failure in fulfilling perceived roles and expectations. Below are some common scenarios that trigger these feelings, along with the internal thoughts that often accompany them. These insights aim to shed light on the pervasive nature of mom guilt and encourage a more compassionate self-understanding. 

• Working late and ordering takeout? (“I should be making my family a nutritious dinner.”) 

• Stay-at-home parent? (“I should be contributing financially.”) 

• Going on a child-free vacation? (“I shouldn’t be looking forward to time away from my kids.”) 

• Snapped at your partner about not cleaning the toilet? (“I should be more appreciative of their contributions. And I should be taking better care of our home.”) 

• Dozens of unread texts from friends and family? (“My loved ones need me. I should be making more time for them.”). 

Recognizing Mom Guilt in Your Partner

For Partners:

Understanding and recognizing when your partner is experiencing mom guilt is essential. Partners can look out for signs such as: 

• Increased stress and anxiety. 

• Expressing feelings of failure or inadequacy. 

• Avoiding self-care or personal activities due to guilt. 

• Overcompensating in other areas, such as buying gifts for children to make up for perceived shortcomings. 

• Seeking constant reassurance about their parenting abilities (Parents.com). 

Effects of Mom Guilt

For moms, guilt can build up and increase stress, which negatively impacts both physical and mental well-being. Stress causes the body to release adrenaline and other stress hormones, triggering the fight-or-flight response. This constant state of stress can leave you feeling on edge, tense, and more likely to lash out, leading to further guilt. Chronic stress and guilt can result in long-term health issues, including anxiety, depression, increased blood pressure, and a heightened heart rate. Dr. Young emphasizes that relieving guilt isn’t a luxury but a necessity for maintaining health (Cleveland Clinic). 

Parent guilt can also make you feel like a failure, both at work and at home. Parents may compensate for their guilt by giving their children material or financial gifts to prove their love. This guilt can lower self-worth as parents see themselves failing in roles they once managed easily and in their new parenting roles. Guilt can lead to permissiveness, where parents fear setting consequences and losing their connection to their kids. They may seek emotional reassurance from their children, frequently expressing their guilt and needing their children to affirm they are doing things right. This guilt can also impact their ability to be present with their children and simply enjoy their company (Verywell Mind). 

From the partner’s perspective, mom guilt can also be challenging. Partners often feel the effects of this guilt indirectly. They may sense the mom’s stress and tension, which can create a strained household environment. Partners might feel pressure to provide additional emotional support and reassurance, which can sometimes be overwhelming. Additionally, partners may experience their own form of guilt or frustration, feeling that they are not doing enough to help or alleviate the stress their partner is experiencing. Understanding and addressing these dynamics can be crucial for maintaining a supportive and harmonious relationship during the parenting journey (Psychology Today). 

Coping Strategies for Mom Guilt

For Moms:

• Self-Care: Make time for yourself to recharge. This could be taking a relaxing bath, reading a book, or going for a walk. Self-care helps lower stress and replenish your energy. 

• Breathing Techniques: Practice mindfulness and breathing exercises to calm your mind and gain perspective. Techniques like the five-finger breathing exercise can help reset your thinking during stressful moments.

• Talk it Out: Share your feelings with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist. Talking about your concerns can help unburden you from carrying the weight of your worries alone.

• Recognize Irrational Thoughts: Challenge the negative thoughts that contribute to your guilt. Remind yourself that you are doing your best and that it’s okay to seek help (Cleveland Clinic).  

For Partners:

• Listen and Validate: Be a supportive listener when your partner expresses her feelings. Validate her experiences and reassure her that she is doing a great job. 

• Share Responsibilities: Offer to take on more household tasks or childcare duties to give your partner some time for self-care. Sharing responsibilities can alleviate some of the pressures she feels. 

• Encourage Professional Help: If mom guilt is severely impacting her well-being, encourage her to seek help from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide valuable support and coping strategies. 

• Create a Supportive Environment: Foster an environment where open communication and mutual support are prioritized. Discuss expectations and find common ground on parenting and household responsibilities (APA).  

Mom guilt is a challenging experience, but with understanding and support, both you and your partner can navigate it effectively. Recognizing the signs of mom guilt, such as chronic stress, anxiety, and feelings of failure, is the first step toward addressing it. By acknowledging these feelings, you can begin to implement healthy coping strategies.  

These strategies might include: 

• Setting realistic expectations 

• Seeking support from friends and family 

• Practicing self-compassion 

Partners play a crucial role in this process by providing emotional support and reassurance. They can help alleviate the guilt by sharing parenting responsibilities, offering positive reinforcement, and encouraging open communication about feelings and challenges. Together, you can create a balanced and nurturing environment that allows both parents and children to thrive. By working as a team and supporting each other, families can manage the pressures of parenting more effectively and enjoy a healthier, happier dynamic. 

Written by: Adiba Hussain, MPH 

Reviewed by: Dr. Krista Mincey, MPH, Dr.PH, MCHES